they say truth hurts.
how true indeed.
i need another distraction.
in need of strength.
and more colourful days.

God is Holy, pure.
We are so unclean in His eyes.
such that He bears wrath at our filth
how we lead lives disobeying Him.

such is the striking message i took in today
reading that book.
i need to seek His forgiveness
and for him to cleanse me.
this is how it feels to fall at His feet
asking for mercy and pardon.

some people dont learn huh.
time and again
it comes to this.

sighs. and there are many thoughts that crossed my mind.
long chats with insightful friends does this to me.
heh. not blaming you clara ;)
it was a gd time.

go on,
continue arguing.
up till this point
all ive left now is apathy.
and deja vu at familiarity, broken records.
some people jus grow old,
and never grow up.

i was ok, until u started telling me.
and then the tears came.
didnt even think much about it
you leaving halfway
a ruined tea set
and unfinished Aglio, cake and candle
and me being alone, payment.
i was fine, jus worrying abt you.
until u told me u would be v sad if in these shoes.
and thinking back,
everything kinda struck me.
yea, i wished for cleaned up chocolate
and warm hands this year
along with comfy couches.
sometimes mental preparation only takes you this far.
i knew it'd make u cry, make you think about stuff.
because i cried doing it, every letter penned.
and i really meant it.
wrap my words around you.
be happy, really.
a translucent leaf, and cross amidst the matt and shiny metal
etched, once for a lifetime
for a keyholder.
and so ends today.
which will change how things are,
as all encounters do.

may tomorrow bring a brighter shade of grey.

i need to learn to walk away.
learn to forget.
because that's what you're already doing.
goodbye, jc memories.

time to start building fences again.

and now these 3 remain: faith, hope and love. but the greatest of these is love. 1cor13:13.



it is winter in my heart.



and i am 85% dark chocolate.

dec 25th, a dangerous christmas
entrapped, and in panic
unexpected from overlooking the quay
and faded one fullerton in bright sunlight
looming ominous clouds.
dec 29th was a confession of pain.
touched, and of deep thinking.
sneaky detours, that met again.
that stretched over the new year
till the sun shone again on jan 3rd
where the scene was enacted on quiet sands
and endless roaming of thrills
skyrides and subways, we travelled thru all
over the span of bridging links
into the young pulse of the night
getting high on baileys.
jan 7th, tea party was unforgettable
yet regrettably short.
memorable ambience, and food, and company.
jan 10th, auditioning that had distractions.
and the net closes in, with increasing ferocity.
jan 12th was of lounging ard, enjoying The Big Bird
and a clash that fizzled out in gratitude.
and then the bomb dropped,
with much pain, on the 14th.
how cruel can things get?
this redefines everything ive known to be torment.

and this turn of events
hurts like death from papercuts
little invisible slits, they throb
through even single vein,
choking even breath.

what we can control,
we have achieved to our best
here comes the hardest part
and it will rain daily, from now on.
give me back my sunshine.

and this calls for fervent praying.
when winter comes
and threaten to stay for sure.
please give me hope
i need that much.


tell me everything's ok.
that we'll awake someday
from this overdued nightmare
to a brighter day, better world.
i need to be strong.

and tml is my HC interview.
i am quite nervous, because of the recommendations.
thank you shuuy,
you jus made me feel a whole lot better.
"talk like you're talking to choo"
hahaha. thanks dearie, so much.

i dont really wanna think too much about it
this whole losing-connection notion.
its strengthened on both sides,
and on my part i do try ok.
you know i do.

i dont want to just whine about it. i can, but i dont want to.
i'll let it pass, cos some things are very trivial.
i need to appreciate you for who you are.
not craft you into someone of my preference.
and im sorry, that i do impose my expectations on you.
alot, its jus tt they're not voiced out.
and thus i get edgy on days, cos they're all within me.
pen it down? i dont know.

i hope to learn:
- never to assume people can give me answers immediately
- never assume they know what you dont spell out explicitly (if you wanna tell them say so)
- not to speculate without evidence, or jump to conclusions
- be honest about certain thoughts, feelings
- entrust all my fears, worries to God
- find peace inside.
- learn to forgive, and not be so prideful.

please, dont resemble her.
that will be the deepest fear of my heart.
you arent the only one who spots these similiarities.
and yes,
how do u expect me to make of this?
these words you use,
so carelessly as if i dont matter.
maybe we're concerned over diff stuff.
i dont know if i have the right to tell u such.

perhaps this is not a gd time to start thinking about such stuff
esp when im dead tired
[read we're prone to arguments]
miscommunication?
or maybe the lack of.

i dont know.
i need some space,
but at the same time i dont wanna be left alone.
how paradoxical.
gotta thing some stuff thru, i guess.